An Identity Crisis | Finding your worth in work and life
How do I untie my personal worth with my businesses success? is a question I’ve been asking since I first stepped into the world of work at age 14.
I’ve always cared a huge amount about work, valuing the purpose and impact I have to a high degree and closely linking the contents of my work-life to my contentment as a human. And to an extent, I’d say it’s a pretty helpful trait. It prompts me to reflect my values in my work, value excellency over anything else and always look for ways to level up and do better.
But, in recent months, I’ve found it’s become paralysing. Where in previous years it felt like my business success contributed to maybe 50% of my personal worth, it now feels at almost 100%. And I think lockdown is partly to blame.
Over the last year, elements of my life which sat entirely separate from work have been slowly taken away. Relationships, seeing friends, living with family, hobbies and adventures have gone and I’m left with a life that contains a whole lot of work and not a whole lot else. Right now my Sunday-Friday can be pretty easily split between 3 categories - doing work, thinking about work and sleeping.
Now whilst some of that change comes from choice (nobody forced me to end my relationship or move away from home) and as a lover of work it’s not something I’m mad about, it’s started to morph into something unhealthy.
The identity, worth and contentment I used to find in my whole life, is now being sought solely in my business. And it’s not having a positive impact.
The symptoms of this problem came before my awareness of the root cause (typical in business) and showed up in a few key ways:
QUESTIONING EVERY DECISION AND FEELING RELUCTANT TO TAKE RISKS
With my identity now at stake (that sounds so dramatic but legit that’s where it’s got to), it feels a whole lot more terrifying to make decisions and take risks in my business. I’ve found myself wanting to play it safe in order to avoid the worst case scenario happening of something going wrong and my personal identity taking a hit as a result. As someone who learns best from action / failure and knows nothing great sits within my comfort zone, this isn’t great!
LOOKING FOR VALIDATION IN THE WRONG PLACES
Our businesses are not walking validation machines and we can’t put the expectation on our clients, students or audience to bolster our sense of purpose and worth - something I’ve had to remind myself of a lot over the last few weeks. I find it so easy to start looking for validation in the wrong places (my go-to is always social stats) and when they don’t give me what I’m after, start to spiral.
FEELING LIKE I'M ON A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS
Tying my identity so closely with the businesses 'success’ creates a situation where any movement rocks the boat, for better or worse. One moment I’m on a high following a client win and that evening I can’t sleep because I’m worried about the response to the ‘controversial’ post I just put out. Emotions will always get involved, especially in a personal brand, but it’s not sustainable or enjoyable for the two to be quite so closely tied.
It was only yesterday that I made the connection - all of this was happening because I was seeking pretty much all of my personal validation from my business - and now I write that out I realise how much that needs to change.
As you can tell from this email, I’m very much at the awareness stage of the whole awareness + action = change formula. And whilst part of me knows the return of some form of normal life will support me in lowering that %, I’m keen to get myself back to a more ‘balanced’ (hate that word) place and learn what helps me.
I’ve got a vague idea of what that’s going to look like - likely some soul searching around who I am without work and then the practical steps to bring more of that (edit: any of that) into my life - but I’m sure, like anything, I’ll be learning as I go.
So there we have it - a pretty raw insight into what I’m experiencing right now.
Part of me wanted to wait to share until I had more conclusions or ‘tips’ to share with you, but I want these emails to be a safe space where the nuanced and unknown questions can be discussed.
If this is something you resonate with, whether it’s because you’re feeling the same way or have walked yourself through this before, I’d love to hear from you. Hit reply and we can continue the conversation in my inbox.
As always, I’m cheering you on.
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