Reckless Vulnerability

This email is an extension of this weeks podcast episode. 

As part of the episode, exploring how important self awareness is, I let my life coach dive into some of my inner workings to show the often messy but ultimately transformational reality of becoming self aware. And like any session, it got me thinking.

Something we touched on in the conversation (listen here if you haven’t already) was my fear of vulnerability. And before you think ‘but Alice you share pretty honestly?!’, I’m talking about true vulnerability here. At its core, vulnerability exposes you to the possibility of being hurt. It's messy. It's not strategic. And it's not something I have much of in my life.

Whilst it’s in my nature to avoid this vulnerability, I think my work plays a role. By showing up from a place of service in my work and not knowing how or when to switch that off within my personal life, am I failing to build true connection and feel seen?
 

*the following is what I scribbled on my iPad on the train later that day - nothing has been edited*
 

I perform in my work.
I put on a front in my work.
People have expectations of me in my work.

That’s OK.
That’s the nature of what I’ve built.

But I can’t feel the same within my personal life. Because then I start to resent both sides.
I don’t feel seen. I get frustrated. I feel used. Yet I'm the one who creates that expectation.

The expectation that everything is always OK. The expectation that I don’t need help. The expectation that I am there to be of service.

Being of service is my safe space. It’s comfortable. But I need to learn how to leave that at work. I need to create a conscious separation.
 

Because I want to be seen. I really do. But it takes a lot.

The people I’m truly open with often make the first move. They open up. They prove it's worth the risk. Then I (sometimes) follow suit.

I want to change that. When it comes to my personal life, I want to practice (what feels like) reckless vulnerability.

Willing to embarrass myself.

Willing to be seen as weak.

Willing to lose control.

All for the sake of feeling seen.

Even writing that feels ambitious. But it’s fundamental to life. To joy. To connection. And ultimately, bringing my best to work relies on me doing just that. 

So I guess this is the first move.
 

PS - there’s a little (huge) something launching next Monday (18th). I’m not joking when I say it’s been years in the making and I can’t wait to share it. I’ll be back in your inbox soon to tell you more…