Fearing what comes with success

When I first started my business and heard people speaking about their ‘fear of success’ I rolled my eyes at what a lovely problem that was to have. But here I am, a few years down the line and realising that exact sentiment is true.

I am scared of success.

Now, before you read that and promptly exit this email after concluding I’ve lost the plot, hear me out. Because when I explain what fear of success looks like for me, you may just be able to relate...

✖️Pressure of higher expectations

✖️Fear that others will judge me

✖️Uncertainty around whether I can sustain it

✖️Worry of how it can be topped

To name a few.

It’s less about the success itself and more about the symptoms and after effects that it brings. And this is something that’s grown as the business has - the quote ‘it’s windier at the top’ comes to mind.

Now whilst fear of success has been rearing it’s head for a while, one part of it has in recent months been particularly loud - the fear that others will judge me.

This one snuck up on me during my last launch when I realised I was craving affirmation that I was still a value driven business owner which basically meant asking the question of “am I a dick” every 20 seconds.

I’m not often one to doubt myself but suddenly I was questioning everything I was doing out of fear that people would see me negatively. I wasn’t doing anything out of the norm (minus a few FB ads) but suddenly my brain decided we were in danger.

And after a bit of soul searching I realised it stemmed from my belief that once you reach a certain level of success, people don’t like you anymore.

It’s not a belief I had any idea I’d been carrying around but the second I became conscious of it, I realised how deep-rooted and impactful it was. For me, the root of it was twofold...

LACK OF PROOF THAT IT'S POSSIBLE

Growing up, my only experience of female entrepreneurs was through what I saw on The Apprentice and I don’t have to use up any of this emails word count to explain how the characters shown on there contributed to my wonky belief that success makes you unlikeable.

‘You can’t be what you can’t see’ definitely rings true here - with a lack of proof that it’s possible to be both wildly successful AND value driven (aka not be a dick in the process) it’s tough to trust it can happen.

Now what’s funny is that I’ve been on a mission to do that since the start and if anything have found the lack of examples motivation to be a pioneer and create the change I want to see. But my brain must’ve got a little tired of trusting it was possible and was suddenly on the search for evidence that success and likability weren't mutually exclusive attributes,

On a call with one of my mentors, where I posed the question of ‘how do I know I’m not being a dick’ the irritatingly simple answer we landed on after 20 minutes of discussion was ‘because I’m value driven’. A fear of not being liked is really the fear that my values won't be reflected in my actions, which thankfully is a filter which exists without me even realising it.

MY JUDGEMENT FOR OTHER WOMEN

Now this side is a little harder to come to terms with, but just as responsible.

Whether it’s down to wanting what she has or worrying that her achievements won’t leave space for mine (ironic that the opposite is true) a small part of me has held a judgement for women experiencing levels of success. It’s not something I’m proud of and of course not a belief that I’ve ever acted on, but it’s absolutely there.

So much so that as I was beginning to meet my measure of success, I began to judge myself and in turn, assume that others would be doing the same. I didn’t know whether to clap myself or judge myself for the success I was having and the disagreement between what I really believe (success for women is the best thing!!!) and this wonky belief that had snuck its way in was the oddest experience.

Now each time I find that belief being triggered I ask myself why. Why am I judging this woman? Or why am I judging myself? Is it because I think I should (hello internalised misogyny) or because I truly believe it? It's a process that's already helping my rewire things and thankfully so far the first answer has always been true,

This email has taken a few weeks to be sent and whilst part of that was down to me struggling to find the right words, most of it was down to fear. I worry this conversation could be perceived as niche or tone deaf but I’ve committed to sharing the reality of running a business and for me, this is part of it. If you have any thoughts or experiences this has prompted you to share, please do hit reply - I’d love to continue the conversation in my inbox.

PS - after realising how real this fear of success was I knew I wanted to dive into it on the podcast so if you’re keen for more, take a listen to this week's episode. I sat down with Keri Jarvis to discuss why, particularly as women, we’re prone to toning down our success and omitting the role we have to play in our accomplishments. It’s a fascinating listen so tune in on Spotify here.