When Everything Is A Bit Too Much And You’re Crying In A Zara Changing Room
You know that feeling when you’re booking things into your schedule or setting deadlines for yourself and in the back of your mind, you just know it’s a bit unrealistic? Those weeks where things are so tightly packed and full on that one thing going wrong completely sets you off? I hope so. Because that’s exactly how my last couple of weeks have felt.
A few days ago I talked on my stories about how this week particularly, is logistically maxed out. 5 days of travel, a week of client calls squeezed into 1 day, speaking at an event, attempting to wind down for a going away next week, all whilst maintaining all the other stuff you have to do when you run a business.
And as I looked at what I was asking of myself to do (because let’s be honest, the pressure to do it all comes from me and only me), I knew that I was taking a risk. I knew I was tempting fate by not having any flexibility for error or delay.
But as I sat down on Monday morning for 12 back to back client calls, I said to myself - we’ll just get through this. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. It probably won’t be pretty. I’ll likely be exhausted. But the end is in sight (I’m off Skiing on Sunday and can't bloody wait) and I’ve just got to put my head down.
And for the first 3 days, all went to plan. I utilised my tunnel visioned abilities and powered through. Caffeine was my best friend, sleep outside of the hours of 1am and 6am was unheard of and work was squeezed in during rushed meals and car rides. Fully aware that I wasn’t looking after myself but knowing it was only short term, I decided to survived.
A little part of me knew that something was going to give, but I shut down that thought with the trust that I’d make it through to Sunday.
Until yesterday.
THE BREAKING POINT
I often find, when working at full capacity with no room for error, the smallest thing can completely throw me off kilter. And yesterday, that happened in the form of a wardrobe malfunction.
With so much travel this week, I’d resembled Maria Kondo on crack by writing a full packing list for each trip, smugly setting off with my small and (what I thought was a) complete bag. That was until I arrived in our Manchester AirBnb to realise that the outfit I’d carefully chosen for the event that evening was sat in my car, 4 hours and hundreds of miles away.
You don’t have to look much further than my insta stories to know that how I look and what I wear isn’t of huge importance to me, but in that moment, it felt like everything had come crashing down. You know the feeling... when you’ve been holding it together and then one thing, which in reality is so minimal, just sets you off.
Planning and controlling my every move felt like the one thing which was keeping me sane amidst all the noise, so an unexpected shift just broke me a little.
My upset wasn’t down to the fact that I didn’t get to wear the nice dress, it was a release from all the pressure / stress / focus I’d be compartmentalising and micromanaging for the last few weeks.
As I felt my eyes filling with my tears in the Zara changing room (it was a pretty tragic scene) 45 minutes before the event, I knew I had two decisions. I could give it space, list all of the things to feel overwhelmed about and work myself into a state. Or I could blink through the tears, give myself a moment and make the decision to push through. It's not the first time I've given myself a pep talk in a changing room mirror and I’m sure it won't be the last.
I try to write these letters from a place of hindsight, attempting to share something of value for anyone in the same position. But if I’m really honest, this simply reminded me that sometimes it all just gets a bit too much and however we need to pick ourselves up from that is a-ok.
The aftermath of my changing room meltdown and in the mirror pep talk? I loved the event. I brought my best to the panel. I'm glad I pushed through. And I've been reminded the importance of listening to that little gut instinct which says 'maybe this will be too much'.
This wasn’t the topic I’d planned to unpack today, but I knew it would be something so many of you would ‘get’. And I knew that amidst all the shiny event photos I’m probably sharing on Instagram right now, it was important to tell you the whole, often unglamorous but oh so worth it, story is.